Quote: Isaac Watts Admonishes How Idle Hands Are the Devil's Work (And a Reflection on How I Got Into the Habit of Collecting Quotes)

"In works of labour, or of skill, I would be busy, too;

For Satan finds some mischief still 

For idle hands to do."

— Isaac Watts, 1674 - 1748

Photo by nacer eddine on Unsplash

I do this thing where I look at my old journals. 

It's the greatest accomplishment of my youth. That I wrote a lot of entries. It's an activity that I tell my students to do often (as I am a high school English teacher), and I wonder if it must be a thing of adolescence — to inscribe one's thoughts down on paper. As an adult, I am not as prone to journal writing. I've lost interest in my own subjectivity!

That's sort of a joke, but I have done one activity consistently — collecting quotes. I found the above quote about idleness in one of those old journals from my youth.

It's easy to scoff at Isaac Watt's suggestion that one ought to stay busy. It's a sentiment ingrained in the Puritan notion of "work ethic" that has so often infused every aspect of American culture and history. In the current dispensation, productivity is rewarded, and idleness is looked down upon as indicative of a rotten soul.

I guess that is why the devil is co-opted in this dialectic between work and inactivity — since the devil is the symbol of perversion. Therefore, the lack of work, the absence of productivity is an abomination in this worldview.

There is a lot to be said for idleness, though. Even when the devil is idle, I suspect, they are having a good time! 

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Video Repost: Cute Kid Gives Sage Criticism on Consumer Culture

In this video repost, listen to a cute kid give sage advice on how to avoid consumerism.

Girbaud Brand Jeans — Remember Them?

When I was a teenager, in the 1990s, the French jeans clothier Marithé et François Girbaud was in style. I remember I bought these jeans because I thought I needed them. They were cool! Everyone was wearing them. Now. They were cool. But, in retrospect — looking back on it — jeans are jeans. Girbaud jeans had a privileged quality attached to them. Wearing the Girbaud brand was like being christened with a superpower. Jeans with the Girbaud logo were easily noticeable, so everyone in your school could identify who had the right pair of jeans. If your jeans were Wal-mart storebought, you were doomed.

The Kid in the Video is Non-Plussed about Consumerism

What I like about the kid in this video is that not only is he non-plussed by consumerism, he also can make his own aesthetic judgments. He says he knows what he likes and Filas fit him well and he likes the color.

What shoes do the other kids in the park expect kids to wear to avoid being ostracized? I'd like to know.

What's Your Take on This Video?

Let me know if you have ever been made less because you did not conform to consumer culture.

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On What College-Bound Kids Should Do In High School

After a student asked me one day what he should be doing to "get into a good college," I gave him a few suggestions.

Getting Into a Good College — My Students Are Worried

     Let’s first say that getting into a good college, paying for it, and ending up as a successful individual is equal parts chance and merit, with a dash of injustice and absurdity to throw the entire process off-kilter. I use the word "injustice" on purpose. Not everyone who gets into a good school deserves it — a few high-powered celebrities have tried to secure a spot for their children by paying third parties to do the work for them. And I use the word absurdity on purpose as well. It's absurd to think one's future can be set by a standardized test score or to become frazzled by one's prospect of getting into school because one made a B+ in AP Calculus.

I took this photograph in Madame Dietrich's French class on the last day of high school.

     But let’s say, for the sake of argument, you’re a kid in a high school in the United States, and you want to get into a good school. For the sake of argument, let's say you’re in a relatively good school — namely, you’re learning something, and your parents and teachers are more or less good role models. You were read to as a child, and you’ve frequented a library, a museum, an after-school program, or something. You’re already two or more steps in the door. Parents who introduce their children to reading at an early age typically have kids likelier to do well in school. 

How Much Does Environment Play Into Future Success

     Environment plays a defining role in determining your chances of becoming a successful, let’s say, happy, adult. Sans being an athlete — that’s one way into college - or acquiring some kind of skill as leverage - getting into the school of your choice is a crapshoot. Just the other day (I’m a high school English teacher), one of my students asked me if he took an online course on Coursera or Edx - would that improve his chances of getting into a good school. I said, “yes, of course.” But then I thought about it. Yes — taking a course on computer programming from Harvard is not a bad idea - but you must be a person who is committed to learning programming. Adding extras solely for the sake of extras can have the opposite effect. Schools want candidates excited about learning and have shown proof that they have put themselves out there and taken on challenges. Make your passions come through in your college application, and anything you do outside of school can complement the person you are (and the person you want to be).

Has Applying to College Changed A lot Since the 1990s?
     A lot has changed since I applied to college. I went to a public high school in South Louisiana where most of my classmates graduated and went to the State University - or the military - or they stayed in my hometown. I applied to Saint Joseph Seminary College and Centenary College - both small schools in Louisiana - one Methodist and the other a Catholic seminary. My mother wanted me to go to the Methodist school — and we drove up there to speak to the head of the philosophy department. That's what I wanted to study. I ended up going to the seminary college.
     I took the ACT (and I made a mediocre score). I also took the ASVAB. It’s the military job placement exam. Both my brothers joined the army after high school (I’m the only one who didn’t). Taking the ASVAB is how I learned the difference between a Phillips and a standard screwdriver. Our high school had college counselors - but no one ever visited their office — it was on the edge of campus next to the shop building. Their main job was to organize random statewide testing administered during the year. In Louisiana, one had to pass the LEAP test to graduate from high school. Rumors spread about the few who didn't pass and had to repeat the twelfth grade. 

     Something was alien to me about taking a  standardized test — as if my answers were being sent into a ceaseless void every time I bubbled in a response. I still don't trust tests even more than twenty years after graduating high school. I like tests as a procedure — an activity for the general assessment but not for understanding a kid through and through.

Shifting Focus From Where I Want to Go to What Skills I Want to Master

Will you need to know this? Probably.

Most high school students don’t really know what they want to do anyway. At least it’s not quite solidified yet. The most effective task any high school student should accomplish is progressively improving their ability to get things done. Show up to class. Learn new skills. Perhaps you’ll never use the quadratic equation ever again in your life. But if you shrug it off as unimportant, you’re missing out on a skill - how to solve a problem given limited information. I was a humanities geek in school (and truth be told, I took very few hard science and math classes in college), but I learned to follow through on a problem. Solving a quadratic equation requires following directions, staying on task, and not making tiny mistakes — and you can use it to chart the trajectory of a moving object (and check out how a mathematician rediscovered an ancient Babylonian method used for solving quadratics).
     I still have a papier-mâché vase I made in art class. I’ve never made a vase like that since — but my mom has the vase in her living room. Did making this vase help me get into college? No. But it was something I did that pulled me out of what I was used to. We don’t know what skills we’ll need to know in the future. Technology is rapidly changing, but we need people who can adapt and apply themselves in novel ways.

One More Question:

     What are some things high school students can do to improve their chances of getting into a good college? Let us know in the comments (see below this post).

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You Talk Too Much: On the Pleasures of Logorrhea

Wherein I expound on the pleasures and gains of excessive talking.

Is Silence Golden?

Common wisdom says silence is golden. I respect the virtue of a silent tongue. For example - silent meditation is divine. In the morning, I like to think in the quiet nil of the morning. However, there is also a perverse virtue in talking a lot. Talking relieves pressure and it helps the mind sort out ideas. Talking is enjoyable and it’s a salient way to test out new ideas and words (and stuff). I’m often told I talk too much (if you know me well, reading that last part will make you grin). I don’t think loose lips 👄 sink ships. I think talk should be loose. Otherwise how can you get closer to the truth? 

Let Talking Dance!

Talking lets you dance between binaries. Find value in common sense. I’d wither in a world of oppressive silence. Now. Don’t get me wrong. Quiet spaces are wonderful. Today all my kiddos were each reading books they’d chosen. Silently. But. Afterward, we were laughing and crying - sharing what we read! I’d be cheeky to say everything in moderation (because I think moderation is overrated). Go be loquacious. Don’t think about what you want to say. Free associate. But dip into the silence if you want to. But when there’s talking join the fray. It’ll boost societal health. Try it.

Random Fun Facts I Learned Today

1. Satan is an anagram for Santa.

2. Afghanistan is a land-locked country.

3. "-stan" means country in Persian.

4. The word "typewriter" can be written using only the top row keys of a QWERTY typewriter. 

5. China has city populations of millions-of-people-and-more than any other modern country.

6. The English word "goodbye" originally comes from "Go with God".

7. French fries are called "pomme frites" in France. Not French fries.

8. The Belgians are the first people to actually innovate on the fried potato.

9. The word "philosophy" derives from ancient Greek and it literally means "love of wisdom".

10. Braille can be found on the support columns of most New York City subway stations to help blind people read the names of stations.

11. People once thought that maggots spontaneously generated from rotten meat.

12. Quasars are the brightest and most distant objects in the known universe.

13. Dorothy in the original Wonderful Wizard of Oz books wears silver slippers (not ruby ones).

14. The capital of China is Beijing. If you translate the name of the city it literally means "North Capital".

15. Contrary to popular belief, an astronaut living inside the International Space Station won't be able to see the Great Wall of China from space. 

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On Being Right in the World

An R160B rolling stock working the E line waits in the terminal World Trade Center station in Lower Manhattan.

I do not think it is hokey to think about what kind of energy we project into the world.

No matter how smart you are, what clever ideas you bring to the table, or what accomplishments you've mastered — it's all about how you are in the world that counts.

I'm not talking about broadcasting a veneer of positivity. Even when you don't feel so great, you can still be mindful enough to not let your own feelings seep out and be destructive. I know from experience that never works.

That's why we have art. And stuff. And tragic movies. Or hitting a baseball. Or running until your chest hurts (I know. I don't do that too much.)

Frankly, for me, I'm just beginning to come up to the surface of the water to breathe. And the air does feel good. On my face. The taste of pepper on my scrambled eggs.

Can you tell I am trying to make a breakthrough? 

"Back to School": When You’ve Been Out Of School (For Awhile)

Talking to an adult learner on the N train today, she told me she likes to see the young kids squirm in their seats when she gets to interpret Shakespearean sonnets. "I have a whole different outlook on love than them. It's not the same." My N train companion is not alone being older than her colleagues. One out of three students in this year’s Freshman class will most likely be over twenty-five years of age.

Image Courtesy: The New York Public Library

1. Diving in 

More adult learners are going back to school. What’s the number one motivation? Desire to learn. As the baby boomers retire, more are fueled with renewed cognitive interest or are tired of doing the same thing time again. It's like Camus imagining Sisyphus pushing that damn rock: you got to think of something new for the descent. 

2. Fitting in

Part of going back to school is a brain thing. Older students report feeling out of place among younger students and find it hard to adjust to new educational attitudes that may differ from what they remember from previous schools. It’ll be different for sure, but fitting in is part of the cognitive process of starting something new.

Rodney Dangerfield in his first economics class.
Video Courtesy: ZaTbone

There are challenges to returning to the classroom, but if Rodney Dangerfield could do it, so can you. 

3. Finding your way
Anyone can go to university if they have a passion. In fact, having a passion makes more sense for those who have already straddled careers and family, because they have had more time to think about what they want. One indicator of success is just that: focus and knowing what you want, having goals, joined with life experience.

4. Revitalizing options

Who says you can have only one career? Billie Letts, of Where The Heart Is fame, wrote her first novel when she was in her 50s. Older and older, it doesn’t mean sapping innovation and creativity. Older people are seeking a second, third, and even fourth career choices. It’s a glimpse into the future. It’s where we’re going, so don’t let ageism creep into the hallowed halls. The younger set now vie for the honor roll with a silver-haired genius. 

5. Being an outlier

We’re living longer. The adult brain is still spry. Voices from across the age spectrum offer different takes on life. You might be older than your professor, and your age has made you an outlier. But outlier status means you give a fresh perspective in the classroom. You’re changing the bell curve. Like Shakespeare meditating on love (or the lady on the N train), learning something new at the apex of life is not letting go of that “ever-fixed mark” that "looks on tempests and is never shaken."

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Christmas Letter from New Orleans

For Christmas season 2011, I went back home to New Orleans to visit my family and friends. Here is what I did and saw. Read it!

An Ignatius Reilly Mardi Gras float
rolls through town / Image credit: Flickr

“I am at the moment writing a lengthy indictment against our century. When my brain begins to reel from my literary labors, I make an occasional cheese dip.”  

― Ignatius J. Reilly 
Anthony sits at a wooden table at the Balcony Bar, a place that looks regal during the daytime but becomes the center of considerable brouhaha at night. Having had a few cocktails, we sit together eating bar food. Anthony feeds me a French Fry. Carrying a tray with hamburgers, Andrew almost runs into a cadre of revelers who are talking so loudly the entire building seems to close in on itself with the noise. We sit and attempt conversation. This is our city every night. It has been a year and a half since leaving New Orleans. Having returned home for eight days I leave again with renewed something for the Crescent City. Martin says Nola (as locals call it) is the best city. He's right.

Why I Don't Write 500 Words A Day

500 Words a Day?
I read once that a writer should write at least 500 words a day before any real writing occurs. To encourage writing one must write. Even if the words evoke nothing. Write. The idea is if you coax the axles of your tired mind, give it a little shake, deeper thoughts will issue forth. To me, it is an innate theory of mind that touts the philosophy that the writer must write. I say only write when you feel compelled to write. Even if it is a short thought write it down. Type it out. I refuse to submit to the notion that there is a wellspring of creativity deep inside of us and the only way to unleash it is to write a bucket load of crap first. To write is to continue upon a notion. Upon a trigger. Upon an idea. To write means to follow up on a nagging thought that doesn't go away with a nap or a dream. To say I write 500 words a day would be to lie to you. But I am not a writer who believes I must write into exhaustion. Once you get the idea. Write. Until then, do other things. Observe. Read. The best advice I can give to writers is to read. A lot. I don't just mean blogs and newspaper articles. To be a good writer read the best of what you wish to write. Not so as to emulate. It is a fable to think that to read others will rub off on you in a bad way. The anxiety of influence is there, of course. But one reads because one realizes that it has already been said, written, done before. The only hope we have as writers is to say something about what has already been said. The most freeing experience is to read a writer who puts into words a thought you've already had at some point. This revelation conjoins you with the world of ideas. The best writers enter into the history of thought by reading the history of thought. And read with a pencil. Underline. Strikethrough. Spit on. Spill coffee on it. The book. If it is an ebook or a library book buy yourself a reading notebook. If you are a young person you will never write anything that amounts to "good" for a long time. I have not written anything good yet. But I feel that I am close to writing something good. It has taken at least thirty-one years to even begin to think I could write something pitch-perfect. I have yet to stumble upon my topic. What compels me to write. Which is why I repudiate the inner writer thesis. It is not so much that what I must write is within me but more that what I want to write about has not been found yet. So, here ends my five hundred words for today. I did it for spite.

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Photograph + Caption: "Mr. Savory and Ms. Sweet"

If a guy says, "Life's too short. Keep your drama at the door," what he really means is, "I don't want to marry you, and I could care less about your problems."

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Quote of the Day

makezine

You may be a precious snowflake, but if you can't express your individuality in sterling prose, I don't want to read about it.

Ted Genoways

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Passive Aggressive Email from Parent about how Kid is not Going to do Homework because of a Funeral

 Parent to me

date: Apr 14 8:08 PM
        subject: re: online quiz (to be done at home tonight)

When is this due? We are at a funeral and cannot do this right now. Last nights assignment came in after Koumba was already in bed so she didn't even know about it.  I won't be happy if she recieves "F's" for these. Let me know if she can do these tomorrow night. Thanks, 

C. Parent

(504-272-7134)  

Director of Consulting

Anysuch Company

Hey, LA

How to open multiple webpages in tabs on startup in Firefox (3.6.3) on a Mac

If you want more than one homepage to load when you start Firefox, say your favorite news sites, for example, then this little tip may be useful so you don't have to manually load the pages every single time.

1. Go to Preferences on Mozilla Firefox

2. Select the “General” pane in the taskbar.  In the location (s) field you probably already have your default home page.

 3.  In the homepage field type in your desired web pages separated by the | key.

4. Voila. You're done. Now when you open Firefox all your favorite web pages will open in tabs.

* Caveat: If you are not sure you want tabs to open with the same web pages EVERY time you start up Firefox, and you want more control over your morning routine, then click here to learn how to create a bookmark to open in tabs.

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Why I Listen to Rilke and Don't Write Love Poems

Rilke in "Letters to a Young Poet" —

Reading again the injunction Rilke gave to his younger protege not to write love poems because they are too “facile and ordinary,” I am reminded why I do not write love poems.
It’s an overwrought genre.
Look. Love poems are preferably saturated in the oeuvre: Shakespeare’s doting sonnets alone give us all we need:

The Nike of Samothrace

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I Have No Idea What To Call This Rant

“I ate it, knowing the rabbit had sacrificed itself for me.  It had made me a gift of meat.” Maxine Hong Kingston.

In this post, I rant about education and I'm not sure what else.

Greig types on his old MacBook Pro:

In an ironic turn of events in the film Iris—about novelist and philosopher Iris Murdoch (who consequently had a few things to say about education)—Murdoch stares at a television screen showing Tony Blair repeating, “education, education, education,” unable, in her final stage of dementia, to put coherent thoughts together (not that Blair was coherent in this scene, but that's another matter). Murdoch's lifelong career of dazzling prose diminished, in the end, to infantile babbling. I recently saw the film and read excerpts from her husband John Bayley's memoir. Murdoch was a philosopher and a poet who eloquently wrote about education, not as making a person happy, but as enabling them to see how they are happy. I liked the film because it depicted the life of a person dedicated to learning who tragically loses her wealth of knowledge due to Alzheimer's. Iris lived in her mind; she lost her treasure. John Bayley believed that even though the disease had ravaged his wife's memory, something "clear" and "pure" remained inside her mind. He supplied her with a pen and notebook paper, in case inspiration struck.

Mental Health Resource: Stress Fact Sheet

What is stress? Stress is the body’s response to its environment when it feels threatened or challenged. All higher order mammals (with a functioning pre-frontal cortex) respond to stressors in its environment with either a “fight or flight” response. If I unsuspectingly walk into a house and stumble upon a snake slithering across the floor, my body’s pituitary glands will secrete adrenaline into the cardiovascular system and I will jump back, startled. The body’s stress response can be triggered by any number of external factors, “real or imaginary.” For example, when a student feels a professor is too demanding, the same scenario can enact the same adrenaline rush.
Stress is also highly subjective. People respond to job demands, friendships and expectations differently. In helping someone cope with stress, it can be helpful to help the person say out loud how they perceive stress in their life. Never be afraid to ask. Improperly managed stress can cause serious medical or psychological problems, high blood pressure, or even stomach ulcers. We got get out what we feel. Coping strategies are only as good as a person’s own storehouse of internal resources and a healthy ability to self-reflect. Once a person can learn what is causing the stressful situation, they can then marshall their own resources to cope.
Unnecessary expectations and requirements: Sometimes, stuff piles on and we can feel the world is pushing down on us like a thumb on a tack. Does our boss make unreasonable demands by giving unclear or impossible requirements? Are daily plans frequently disrupted? Internal homeostasis — that is, their level of equilibrium — has been unduly disturbed if demands are impossible to meet. If you hold your fist closed and held it closed for a month, after a certain period of time you would being to feel pain. When your body is that “tight”, the stress will manifest itself physically. Studies have shown that the bigger the consequence for failure the more stress one can expect.
Chronic stress. In some cases, a healthy amount of stress can encourage people to perform better than if they had an open window for completion of a project. The problem to keep in mind is chronic stress. Chronic stress pervasively and consistently inhibits our ability to succeed. Chronic stress is dangerous and can cause serious human and spiritual formation problems.
Need for Validation: Lack of recognition of achievement can cause even the most hardy of us to feel stressed out. People require healthy doses of positive reinforcement, especially when it comes from others who mean the most to us. Students, for example, perform better when they know and are told they are doing a good job by their teacher. Also, having good friends to share your life and stories with is vital for healthy psycho-social development. A good sense of how we “play” (how we enjoy our relationship with others), especially with our mentors, peers, buddies and whomever, is beneficial and essential to our human development and is a sign of our capacity for friendship and love. Lack of such dynamic support can diminish a person’s belief that they are doing well. This can lead to depression and even suicidal tendencies. More commonly, chronic stress is perhaps the largest cause of burn-out. Those who work for the church, social workers, teacher, or the “helping professions” can often take on too heavy of a workload in order to feel validated. When the body is chronically stressed, the need to isolate oneself and to limit empathic response is increased. Consider your own capacities. How easily do you get burned out? How easy is it to fall into a pattern of stressful situations because of loneliness or lack of support?

Primary Coping Strategies: behavioral approach
turn off the tv | organize your files | take notes in class | relaxation | call a supportive friend | write in a journal | team problem solving | yoga | remove distractions |
negative: harming others, harming self, destructive behavior, alcohol or drugs to self-medicate
Secondary Coping Strategies: cognitive approach
prayer | spirituality | think positive | reframing perceptions| learn from mistakes | humor | acceptance of stressor’s reality |
negative: denial of stressor, negative self-image, suicidal thoughts, mental escapism

Practical Scenario
A client comes to a shrink's office expressing concern that the architectural plans he has prepared for his immediate supervisor consistently gets sent back for a redo. The client claims that he has worked many hours to get his plans just right, including requesting outside help from colleagues and from his books. With all of his extra work, the client states that he is not achieving what the boss expects to be quality work. Because of his difficulty in giving a “good” finished product, his self-image has been tarnished and he has been questioning his ability to do well; his sexual libido has diminished and he begs off meeting with friends after work.
Questions
1. Coping mechanisms can either be primary or secondary. Primary coping strategies are direct ways we can can control our environment. Secondary coping strategies are ways we change our perceptions. How can this guy cope with his problem? Are there better coping strategies the client could employ?
2. What are the expectations of the client in this scenario? How can he reconceive the problem?
3. Can it be assumed the problem lies with the supervisor?

works cited:Johnson, John J. "STRESS IN CHILDREN." Journal of Pastoral Counseling 39 (2004): 68-87; Park, Crystal L. "Religion as a Meaning-Making Framework in Coping with Life Stress" Journal of Social Issues 61.4 (Dec. 2005): 707-729;Pector, Elizabeth A. “Professional Burnout Detection, Prevention, and Coping” Clergy Journal; Sep2005, Vol. 81 Issue 9, p19-20, 2p;Wagner, Cynthia G. "Stress and the Brain" Futurist 40.2 (Mar. 2006): 12-13. web sites: stress.about.com, helpguide.org.

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A Journal & Rant: "On the Uses and Misuses of Age"

"Age doesn't matter, but dammit I look old" is what my friend Suzy Q. said to me last night.

Evelyn Couch said it best: "I can't even look at my own vagina!" 

My grandmother looked in the mirror one morning on her 92nd birthday and shrieked, "Who is that woman? It's not me."

On the playground of life it is like Freaky Friday: Young kids want to be adults; adults prefer to act like kids. The age divide splits us from baby, to toddler, child, school kid, pre-adolescent, tween, teen, young adult, young person, 20-something, 30-something, "Over the Hill," old, octogenarian, centenarian, dead. In the middle ages you were rudely a child, a man or geriatric. 3 stages of life. Now, the stages grew to 9 thanks to Erikson, now up to 30 thanks to Super Mario Brothers.

By increasing the stages of age, the strictures are enforced. The subtlety in development is painstakingly tracked. By 30 you must have acquired maturity. If not, you lie.

Middle age women are smart: they don't reveal their age.

Gay men lie.

Straight men don't care. Unless were talking about controlled substances.

Kids lie to get alcohol or cigs. But they expect adults to uphold integrity.

An online buddy asked me if it was ethical to lie about age on a personal ad.

It is apparently a controversial topic.

If you're 25 on a personal ad, in real life your true age is probably anywhere in the range from 21 - 29.

But if you are 30 on an ad you are actually more likely to be 40. If you're really 17 you are most likely going to say you're 18. If you are telling the truth, you're either desperate, or taking what you can get.

A bouncer asked for my ID and after looking at it said, "Hey, you look 23 and still in college, but when you opened your mouth and started talking, I knew you were 30 and working"

The face (or body) says one thing while our words says another. Our age belies our wisdom while our wisdom never depends on age.

The youth Benjamin Button dies forgetting what he learned as an old man. Rip Van Winkle wakes up and literally times has flown by. If it is true that "every day a little death" then all of us should feel a lot more humble.

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image credit: Fried Green Tomatoes (1991) © Universal Pictures

List: 31 signs your significant other don't love you no mo'

Unrequited love sucks.

1. Jacking off in the study is his only crime of passion.

2. You cheat on him and when he finds out he says, "I am so glad you've found someone special!"

3. You begin to realize why your relationship began with an NSA agreement.

4. The part of his body you know most intimately is the back of his head.

5. "I'm hungry" is the extent of his emotional vocabulary.

6. When you explain to the kids you're getting a divorce they ask with a straight face, "Wait, aren't you divorced already?"

7. What you thought were text messages to you from him are actually ads from a 1-900 number.

8. You realize one day you forgot what he looks like because he seldom looks at you.

9. The only time he uses the word "moist" is during dessert.

10. The only time you can cop a feel is when he's sleeping.

11. The last time you slept together was during an emergency evacuation.

12. The couple next door tends to wake you up on a Friday night.

13. The emotional energy you share together is as dead as two corpses in a nursing home.

14. It is one thing to forget your birthday or even an anniversary but last night he even forgot your name!

15. Discovering his pornography stash, you realize none of the models even remotely look like you.

16. The only way you can get him to relieve sexual tension is to say,"But, it's for health reasons!"

17. Every time you want to have sex, he thinks you want a baby.

18. Or: he thinks you are checking his prostate.

19. The last time he said "fine," he was angry.

20. He talks about you in the past tense.

21. And he refers to you in the third person.

22. You get more attention from the dog than him.

23. When you go to grab his pole he reacts like you are his physician: "Is it that bad, doctor?"

24. When you plan a romantic vacation he says, "Have fun with your friends!"

25. He seldom gets your jokes.

26. The last time you played around was on the first date.

28. The only text message you've gotten recently did say, "I Love You" But it was quickly followed by, "Sorry, I meant to send this to my sister."!

29. You desperately find ways to say goodbye so you can at least get a kiss.

30. You come home with a hatchet in your head and he wonders if you got a haircut.

31. The love letter you wrote to him is still unopened in the mailbox.

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image credit: Library of Congress Picture Archives

Essay: On Feeling Unrequited Love

So does this story ring true for you? So, he has not called in a week nor does he answer calls. Voicemail messages are never recorded (the phone rings and rings).

     Nor does he respond to text messages, e-mails, Myspace messages, or mental vibes sent through psychic airwaves. The last time we spoke was at a party, but even then the conversation was limited. He was drinking a beer and gave lots of non-verbal clues that he was not going to engage in conversation other than, "Hey, wassup?" When trying to establish a day or time to "hang out" his response is non-committal: a simple shrug of the shoulder. He says, looking everywhere except in your eyes, "We'll get together, yeah". When questioned why he had not answered any calls or responded to texts, he explains he always gets them too late to respond. Feeling the need to be annoyed, the words "Yeah, I don't think you're an asshole, though" spill out. At that moment there is a tension there that was not there in the past. When the truth emerges that he is not that important in your world, you think, "Move on" but it is hard to completely remove someone from your life. So you make adjustments. The relationship is akin to a liberated son promising his mom he will visit on weekends. Not likely to happen. Abandoning ship does seem to be the best option, but at the same time, you do not sense the relationship is going to suddenly take on wings and fly to new unexplored heights.
   It is a tough call to determine when a relationship has reached the end of its lifespan. When is it necessary to bail out or adjust the terms of engagement? Needs change and expectations dwindle. There may still be love but the need "to be together" has faded. Friendships have boundary lines. There are unsaid lines drawn in the sand. The desire to move a relationship forward could be negated by the other party's unwillingness to go with it. Perhaps they lose interest. Or they got a bad vibe. People are super sensitive. We process subtle messages and act accordingly. The pain of separation is equal to the amount of initial energy and time invested.
   If it is a friend you only met recently and oddly the relationship ends because she moves away, the pain of separation will probably not be as great as a friendship cultivated throughout many years that suddenly terminates.
   The lyric from the Sondheim song "every day a little death" makes sense when one considers the many times love is given only for it to eventually subside and cease to be. Every day there is a little death, not only in our bodies but in the course of our relationships.

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